My Journey through Domestic Violence



                       

  

          I have experienced domestic violence first hand and I am glad to say I have made it through alive.  Even though six years has passed I still carry some emotional and physical scars.  During my journey of researching how to break the cycle of domestic abuse I have learned a wealth of information.  Reading the articles and writing my blog posts brought back a lot of bad memories.

                I decided to blog about domestic violence because it is something I am all too familiar with.  I have two daughters that are growing up quickly and I want to prevent this from happening to them.  Statistics show that daughters of abused women are six times more likely to be sexually abused as girls from non-abusive families.  Child victims of severe violence have two to four times higher rates of trouble-making friends, temper tantrums, failing grades in school, having problems in school and at home (Gateway, 2009).  As a mother I want the best for my children and I also empathize with others who experience abuse. 

                During my research I discovered that same sex domestic violence happens just as much as traditional domestic violence.  Domestic violence has no gender or income level.  It was surprising to me that other countries do not have laws to protect the victims of domestic violence cases.  I think the citizens of the United States take our freedom and rights for granted.  Celebrities are even affected by domestic violence and some have become spokespeople to help prevent it from happening.

                This blog experience has taken me on an emotional journey.  I hope the people who read my blog can feel how important this issue is.  A lot of people hide domestic violence because they are ashamed and afraid of speaking out.  I am so glad that the doctor’s offices and clinics have posters up about domestic violence.  They even have groups that victims can join for free.  There is a way out and plenty of people to help the victim when she gets ready.

                I really enjoyed this experience and it was an emotional outlet for me.  I thought the pain and hurt was gone but it all resurfaced when writing my post.  I hope that my experiences and information that I found will help someone out of a bad situation.  I am fortunate that my kids remember very little about what happen to me and I hope that they never have to go through the abuse I endured.

Gateway, C. W. (2009). Domestic Violence and the Child Welfare System. Retrieved April 23, 2011, from Child Welfare Information Gateway: http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/domesticviolence.cfm



Same Sex Domestic Violence

               Domestic violence takes many different forms.  There are men abusing women, women abusing men, women abusing women, and men abusing men.  The most common is men abusing women.  The populations of gay and lesbian relationships are increasing and so is the awareness of domestic violence.  Police officers tend to look at same sex abuse differently.  They seem to think that a man would have an unfair advantage over a woman but if a woman is abused by another woman it is more of a fair fight.  Even though society tends to think this way it is still illegal and emotionally detrimental. 

                A large percentage of law enforcement officers still hold the belief that homosexuality is immoral, and those officers responding to domestic violence calls may not ascribe validity to couples in a same-sex relationship (Tesch, 2010).  Currently there is not a specific law that caters to same sex domestic violence.  Since there is no legislation that governs this police handle the situations on a case by case basis.  Given that police officers enforce the legislation set by federal and local lawmakers, it is important to see just how the pre-existing laws impact those in a SSDV (same sex domestic violence) situation.  Currently, there are only two pieces of federal legislation which address domestic violence: the Domestic Violence Prevention Act of 1985 (this authorized the creation and funding of state domestic violence organizations, shelters and hotlines for women in abusive situations across the US); and the Violence Against Women Act of 1994 (which created stronger legal measures with which to punish abusers while safeguarding women’s right to be protected from violence). Critically, neither of these legislative acts provides protection from SSDV (Tesch, 2010).

                Apart from these two pieces of federal legislation, most domestic violence legislation in the United States can be found in local State statutes. This can also be problematic for those in relationships with SSDV. Most States have phrased their domestic violence statutes using gender-neutral language, which allows jurisdictions to prosecute on a case-by-case basis and take into account the severity of the charges. However, this has led to ambiguous and inadequate protection for SSDV. As there is no overriding legal definition of the crime of domestic violence nor a prescribed punishment, law enforcement officers become confused as to how they can best advise victims of SSDV (Tesch, 2010)?

                It is hard to break the cycle of domestic violence with same sex partners.  Children are always taught that men are not suppose to hit women but women hitting women or men hitting men seems to be alright with society.  Men are less likely to report physical abuse than women.  Men feel that they are supposed to be providers and protectors and feel weak when admitting they are a victim.

                Whether domestic violence is same sex or not it still have an effect on the children involved.  The person who is being abused has the same emotional and physical scars.  Same sex domestic violence is reported more because of more men and women are coming out about their sexuality.  In predominantly gay and lesbian communities the police are trained in same sex domestic violence so that they can be better prepared to handle the cause.  Police officers are trained to recognize defensive wounds to determine who the attacker is  (Tesch, 2010). Laws need to be updated to accommodate the changes in society so that everyone can receive fair treatment in a court of law regardless of sexual orientation.

Tesch, B. (2010). Same-sex domestic violence: why victims are more at risk.International Journal of Police Science & Management , 12. Retreived April 22,2011 from Business Source Complete, EBSCOhost.



Celebrities Fight against Domestic Violence

                Missy Elliott is a rap star who is using her fame for a good cause.  In 2004 Missy Elliott became the national spokesperson for Break the Cycle a nonprofit organization dedicated to preventing violence against young people (Domestic, 2004).  The issue hit home because Missy witnessed her father physically abuses her mother as a child.  “Growing up, I saw my mother being abused by my father.  At the time, I didn't know what I could do or who I could turn to for help. I promised myself that if I ever had the chance, I'd use my voice to tell kids that they have a place to go, that help is available from organizations like Break the Cycle." said Elliott (Domestic, 2004). 

                Missy hopes to raise 5 million dollars by putting on a benefit concert called “Where my girls at?”  The money will provide young people ages 12 to 22 with free counseling, advocacy, and legal services. Missy’s upcoming CD This Is Not a Test! Will include information about the organization as well.

                According to Break the Cycle, one-third of teens report experiencing some kind of abuse in a romantic relationship, and 40 percent of girls ages 14 to 17 reports knowing someone their age that has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend (Domestic, 2004).  Meredith Blake, the organization's founder, says children who grow up with abuse are most likely to enter into abusive relationships or become abusers themselves (Domestic, 2004).

                Meredith hopes that her organization can lower these statics and prevent some of this incidents altogether.  Having Missy Elliott as a spokesperson will help get the word out about domestic violence and breaking the cycle.  The voice she brings to the issue will influence the futures of teens nationwide. Missy Elliott says she wants to do everything she can to prevent domestic violence, "The most important thing we can do is teach kids how to break the cycle," (Domestic, 2004).

                I am so glad that celebrities are giving back to the community and helping nonprofit organizations achieve their goals.  Having Missy Elliott as a spokesperson against domestic violence helps woman realizes that it can happen to anyone and to not be afraid to speak out and get help.

                My situation could have been a lot worse if there were not support groups out there to help.  After several years of abuse I finally decided to step out and join a support group that I found out about through Henrico County.  Seeing other women step up and speak out encouraged me to do the same.  I hope by seeing a celebrity fight against domestic violence will help young girls and women reevaluate their situation and seek help.

Domestic Violence Is No Misdemeanor. (2004). Current Events, 103(16), 2-3. Retrieved March 25, 2011 from Academic Search Complete, EBSCOhost Database.



Tougher Laws against Domestic Violence

                Women have been fighting for years to receive tougher laws against their abusers.  Restraining orders were hard against your husband or live in spouse.  If children were involved it made the situation that more difficult. 

                After going through an abusive relationship for years I noticed that the law did not protect me from this man.  To me it seemed as if he had more rights than me.  After the police would pick him up he was ordered to stay away from me for 72 hours.  It sounds good on paper but he would still come back as soon as he was released on his on recognizance.  I would call the police but if he was gone before they came it was nothing they could do.

                Domestic violence occurs all over the world and the laws are very different than in the United States.  In September of 2009 Home Secretary Alan Johnson of the UK established new laws to protect abused women.  "It is not right that victims of domestic violence, who have already suffered so much, are forced out of their home. It is both safer and fairer to remove the abuser (Tough, 2009).  Instead of asking the victim to leave the law now requires the abuser to leave the house for 14 consecutive days.  This new law gives the victim time to sort out what course of action she would like to take.  If the woman decides to leave this gives her ample time to pack her belongs and relocate.  This new law is referred to as a “GO’ “order (Tough, 2009).

                                A similar law has been implemented in Austria, Germany, Norway, Switzerland, the Czech Republic and, more recently, Poland.  Since the law was implemented there the rate of domestic violence convictions has went up to a 72 percent (Tough, 2009).

                I think that the United States should adapt the same type of law.  Giving the victim 14 days versus 72 hours is a much longer time frame to make decisions about what course of action she would like to take.  I am so happy that other countries have stepped up to the plate to provide tougher laws against domestic violence.

Tough new powers to help victims break cycle of domestic violence. M2PressWIRE (September 29, 2009): Newspaper Source Plus. Retrieved March 13, 2011, from the EBSCOhost  Database.

Prosecution: A Way to Break the Cycle of Abuse

   

            Prosecuting a domestic violence offender is one way to break the cycle of abuse.  Many women are abused everyday from all walks of life.  Domestic violence does not care about your socioeconomic background, age, religion, or sexual orientation.  Since domestic violence is such a widespread crime the laws have become more stringent towards offenders.

                The only way to stop the abuser is to report the crime to the police.  Many people feel their abuser will retaliate against them if they decide to press charges (Alioto, 2008).  This mentality along with the emotional connection to the abuser makes it hard for the woman or abused person to prosecute. 

                As an abused woman myself there were many instances where I did not call the police for fear of more abuse.  I can remember a specific incident where I was washing the dishes and I was upset that my boyfriend at the time had stayed out all night.  Because I wanted to avoid an argument I did not say anything we he came home.  Instead of letting things be he decided he wanted to argue and push my buttons.  As hard as it was for me I tried to ignore him until he became really angry and him slapped me hard across my face.  I wanted to fight back but I knew if I tried to defend myself it would make things worse.  The next day he continued to be upset and had one too many drinks.  He decided to hit me again because I did not want to be intimate with him.  This time after he passed out from drinking and the exhaustion of beating me I called the police.  I was fed up and I had enough.  Well at that time I had enough.  The police came and picked him up.  He was arrested and had to stay away from me for 72 hours.  If I wanted a protective order I would have to file for one that would extend longer.  I did not file for extended protection and he came back home.  By the time the court date came around he was in his best behavior and promised to get help so I tried to drop the charges.

                I am glad that the laws have changed because if a victim drops the charges the state picks up the charges and the abuser is still prosecuted.  When victims do not wish to proceed, prosecutors should not be discouraged. Instead they should seize the opportunity to learn why victims are reluctant to proceed against offenders and to understand the cycle of domestic abuse (Alioto, 2008).  It is very hard for a victim to break away from her abuser because of an emotional connection and fear of being killed.  Prosecutors should provide victims with information about domestic violence agencies that can help them leave abusive relationships (Alioto, 2008).

                It is always better to report abuse every time it happens so that it can be documented on the police report.  By calling the police and pressing charges while trying to gain help to leave the situation will show the abuser that you are serious about not tolerating this behavior.  No matter how bleak the situation may seem there are agencies and the legal system can help.

Alioto, M, ( 2008, September), 'Break the cycle of abuse: Prosecuting domestic violence cases', Young Lawyer, 12, 11, p. 2, Retrieved 24 February 2011, from Academic Search Complete Database.

When the children are caught in the middle of domestic violence relationships

                Many women are abused everyday and they struggle with the decision to stay or leave.  A big determining factor of this decision is the children.  It is easier for the woman to break all ties with their abuser if there are no children involved.   I know this from personal experience.  I have two girls and my youngest daughter is by the man that abused me for years.  When I finally gained the courage to leave I still had to have contact with him because of our daughter.  I went to Henrico County court to file for full custody but my petition was denied because there was no abuse to the child.  The court awarded us joint custody with physical custody to me. Even though I had suffered years of abuse from this man because we have a child together, he was able to have my phone number and address.  He would constantly harass me by phone when he was supposed to be calling in reference to our daughter.  He even went as far as to drop by my house all times of the night unexpectedly. 

I was fortunate enough not to suffer any more physical abuse from him but the emotional abuse was just as bad.  It took years for him to get help and to finally leave me alone.  He has limited access to our daughter do to his own decision.  When children are involved it is unfortunate that the courts does not consider the abuse to the spouse in child custody hearings.  The women are still subject to abuse from the father of the children because the father is allowed by law visitation rights.  Some men use this to have control and to insert themselves into the abused women life to cause constant fear.

 The women who have been abused worry about the effect that the abuse will have on their children.  Research shows that children who live in abusive homes will either become abusers themselves or be abused by a spouse children also suffer psychological and sometimes physical abuse as well (Shalansky, 1999, et. al.).  The mothers of these children fear that the children may be abused as punishment for leaving the relationship.

                It is important for both the women and children to receive counseling to minimize the emotional and psychological effect of living in an abusive household.  Studies have shown that 19% of abused women were still being abused after they separated from their partner.  Since the courts allow the father access to the children the abuser uses the opportunity to harass and abuse the women.  The children see this as the father fighting for the relationship and thinks this is how love is shown (Shalansky, 1999, et. al.).  Children begin to think this type of behavior is acceptable and will be less likely to oppose someone that treats them the same way their mother was treated.

                Unfortunately three forth of abused women fall into other relationships that are abusive as well.  It seems that this is a never ending cycle.  The women leave one abusive relationship just to fall into another.  I believe the system needs to be changed to offer more protection for abused women because even once these women muster up enough courage to leave they are still being punished.  The children are something that will bond the abuser and the victim together for life and the abuser uses this to their advantage.  Some women were even killed after they left their abusive partner.

                The decision to leave is difficult because in either instance the abused women are always afraid for her life.  A restraining order can be filed but it is hard to comply with when a child or children are involved that the father has access to.

Shalansky, C., et. al. (1999).  Abused women and child custody: the ongoing exposure to abusive ex-partners. Journal of Advanced Nursing, 29(2), 416-426. Retrieved February 2, 2011, Academic Search Complete.