Many women are abused everyday and they struggle with the decision to stay or leave. A big determining factor of this decision is the children. It is easier for the woman to break all ties with their abuser if there are no children involved. I know this from personal experience. I have two girls and my youngest daughter is by the man that abused me for years. When I finally gained the courage to leave I still had to have contact with him because of our daughter. I went to Henrico County court to file for full custody but my petition was denied because there was no abuse to the child. The court awarded us joint custody with physical custody to me. Even though I had suffered years of abuse from this man because we have a child together, he was able to have my phone number and address. He would constantly harass me by phone when he was supposed to be calling in reference to our daughter. He even went as far as to drop by my house all times of the night unexpectedly.
I was fortunate enough not to suffer any more physical abuse from him but the emotional abuse was just as bad. It took years for him to get help and to finally leave me alone. He has limited access to our daughter do to his own decision. When children are involved it is unfortunate that the courts does not consider the abuse to the spouse in child custody hearings. The women are still subject to abuse from the father of the children because the father is allowed by law visitation rights. Some men use this to have control and to insert themselves into the abused women life to cause constant fear.
The women who have been abused worry about the effect that the abuse will have on their children. Research shows that children who live in abusive homes will either become abusers themselves or be abused by a spouse children also suffer psychological and sometimes physical abuse as well (Shalansky, 1999, et. al.). The mothers of these children fear that the children may be abused as punishment for leaving the relationship.
It is important for both the women and children to receive counseling to minimize the emotional and psychological effect of living in an abusive household. Studies have shown that 19% of abused women were still being abused after they separated from their partner. Since the courts allow the father access to the children the abuser uses the opportunity to harass and abuse the women. The children see this as the father fighting for the relationship and thinks this is how love is shown (Shalansky, 1999, et. al.). Children begin to think this type of behavior is acceptable and will be less likely to oppose someone that treats them the same way their mother was treated.
Unfortunately three forth of abused women fall into other relationships that are abusive as well. It seems that this is a never ending cycle. The women leave one abusive relationship just to fall into another. I believe the system needs to be changed to offer more protection for abused women because even once these women muster up enough courage to leave they are still being punished. The children are something that will bond the abuser and the victim together for life and the abuser uses this to their advantage. Some women were even killed after they left their abusive partner.
The decision to leave is difficult because in either instance the abused women are always afraid for her life. A restraining order can be filed but it is hard to comply with when a child or children are involved that the father has access to.
Shalansky, C., et. al. (1999). Abused women and child custody: the ongoing exposure to abusive ex-partners. Journal of Advanced Nursing, 29(2), 416-426. Retrieved February 2, 2011, Academic Search Complete.
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